innocence is bound to run, but don't you touch that golden sun..

Who turned your north into south? Your right into left? Truth to lies? Who let the daydreamings become expectations? Dreams that are slowly dying along with your imagination, turning into dust, who's to blame?
If i could have one brick for one one unspoken word, i would be building bridges by now.. and if i could take away one rain drop for one spoken, my sky wouldn't be so grey tonight..
Pointless it is, but i would, still, do it all over again..
Nothing in this little town is real, except pain. Struggling with it whole your life and yet, you're afraid of death? When you cross that little line between what's called life, and that famous death -it's when it stops, it's where pain ends. So put your fears behind and walk this one and only road.
Where's shadow there is light. When you walk across the line, where pain stops, where there's no turning back, you'll wish that pain never stopped. In time you forgot, it won't last forever. So even if you just wish for it to stop, both, you and me know it, eventually, will.. When you're locked outside from yourself, when only words you can reach are the ones you lost and when finding a way means losing the only one you have left, there's nothing left than to pretend. And you're good at it, oh, you're so good at it..
Pretending to be cold, and screaming inside. Wanting to smash everything that's around you and still being so calm, that's you. Small is the border between punishment and gift of destiny.
I come from where the fire is. One or another way i'll burn. Burn to understand the world. I suffer for pleasure, and i stopped resisting on my way to here. Understanding my own, empty words when whole world is shut and recognizing myself when all the lights are down. I'm feeling my own breaths even though i have no left! And yes,  covered in silence, standing in one place but still moving forward. I can, i am..

i can tell from your eyes, you've never been by the riverside.

As you take a step forward, you make two backwards. Your words are inflicting pain to your mind, even though they're empty as the walls around you. Perhaps you want to run, is there a place you still can?
Let's waste time.. Saying.. Thinking 'bout the empty words that only belong to us.
Bitterness, that's filling your mind.. is struggling with the pain, your whole body's made of. I'ts increasing into something bigger, something that's crashing on your back. At the peak of the struggle it disappears and you're amazed of how easy is to, and not to feel a thing at the same time. As time passes, you're not pretending anymore. You feel like you're wasted, and you're wasted everyday.
Looking through the borders, that are keeping you away. You're trying, and you're catching a look that's passing right through your eyes. From the bottom of your body, right through every blood vessel, and through all skin, to your carefree mind you're feeling it. Right before you find yourself, lost again, in a field, where no one is to blame, in the most loneliest night of all. As you keep looking back at the eyes that are giving you hope, you can see a flame burning inside of them. But you'll never see the rest of him, just like you'll never forget a single touch, a single breath, a single smile you saw in all that darkness that covered you. No words, just one touch, while passing by, will be enough to feel it all again, to just remember it all. That one touch from a million others will spread the feeling you once had, feeling of being his for just that, one night, when you felt lost like back in the day. Making mess out of things sounds like you, or is that just something you let go with that time of yours? You'll find yourself in a place where you used to just stop and think: 'Where do i go from here?'. There, where even in the brightest nights, lights are out. Place, where you won't see any rising sun, down by the water, you'll beg to touch the border of a river you'll never see again. There, where everybody goes to be alone, down, where you'll be the loneliest one pretending not to care. You ran and you burned 'till there was nothing left from you. You stayed for what's worth. In the end, there's no where left.. to just.. run away...
Don't you see how cold your words are? You're not bringing any emotions in anyone's eyes.. no one can feel your words anymore. Cold. Empty. Taking breaths away, for nothing. Shut your mouth. Can't you see.. you will kill all the feelings in someone with them. You will simply erase the memories, and leave everyone breathless. Count to ten, and leave...

times like these are saving you..

You don't need a savior, you don't need a saint. No one can help you with this one. When the words are out of reach on the top shelf, the world stops spinning. Oceans of happiness are far away from this point, and sun and the stars are exploding. Pretty soon, there'll be nowhere to run away.You filled your lungs up with air, counting your breaths, 'cause soon there'll be no more left. Nothing left, nothing to gain, to lose. And some of the stars are fading away, just a moment before you catch them. Could you understand your own words when the whole world is shut.? Could you recognize yourself when the lights go down? Could you still feel your own breaths even though you have no left? Standing in one place, and still moving forward.. Could you?
Would you make the world go on, or would you make it stop? Would it even matter?
It's alright to feel alone but you can't, all those shadows killed your light, killed your way out of this place.
At the end of the day, when the sun comes down, you can hear a whisper calling your name, name that sounds like mistake. You've learned how to live with it but you can't get used to the fact you've been a lie, all this time. You're words are empty now and the blood that's going  through your veins is poisoned with lies. You want to hide the truth but there's no any. 'Cause when the lights faded out you made a bigger mess out of it.
No, don't count your sins. Don't try to fix anything, anything became nothing. Your sins, your mistakes.. It'll be like trying to fix yourself, now, you're made of them. When you're sinking like a stone in a deep blue, and no one knows it, you can take a breath, same one you lost. From time to time, like this, you can catch a breath instead of that star that faded away and then landed on your hands. Times like these are saving you. From what's called; easy way out.
And now you're counting all the reasons why you should stay, or you should leave? Remember, the lights already went down, and you don't know where, or who you are.. Stay, or take everything with you.

as he goes left and you stay right..

Where did i go wrong? I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness.. I lost my road. I lost myself. The fact that you're not here is killing me. I have to see you and know that you're not there. I can see you, but i can't feel you, anymore. I can't bring myself to scream when im alone in the room. I can't let everything just flow out of me. I keep it inside, im keeping you inside. You stood by me, and i stood by you. Now, i see you on the corner. Im lost and insecure. Back then, you found me. You were looking for me, and i let you in. You became the one i need just live a new day. I have to see you, there, where i am, laughing, making jokes.. And im lost again, im still the same. Im still insecure. But not you.. You're there and you're glad you are. I had you on my side, now i have to watch you keeping the promise you once made in a joke. You left me alone. You left me to fight this battle alone.. I was looking for the mistakes i've made, and i've never found them until now. As the days are passing im finding explanations. I decided you're on the otherside and i decided it's good. Until somehow you appear again.. And i go back to my tears. I still hope.. That's the mistake i've been doin'. But i just can't help myself. You're not making it any easier. You come and go, now you're here, the next moment you're not.. You say all those things that make me forget everything you have done. You give me that look like you miss who we were. But in reality im, again, just hoping.. nothing else..
All that's left are those unsaid words, there are still there, even i thought you said them. Even i thought i was the boredom killer. Even i spent so much time just thinking, trying to find them, trying to explain them..
Trying to just fix everything. Can't you understand? I have nothing left from all this and yet, i keep running in circles coming back to my thoughts. Locking the doors, sitting in the dark, im losing faith. The last thing i have ever imagined is watching you destroy everything i am. I don't mind being in pain. Sometimes i forget about it, but i never let anyone take it from me. Im enjoying every second of it. Every scar that it leaves. Bleeding. I was, i am bleeding on the inside. And i will never heal.. Can't you just be the old you? Can't you just tell me everything..

..heal my wounds, please?

Every feeling that i get, by every silent move you make. I never thought i would need you to be there, when i cry. I never needed someone to be there. And i can't take one more step, cause all that's waiting is regret. Don't you know how hard this is? Im running from a person i swore i'd never be. Im the one who has to face me. It's the voices i hear inside my head. Am i born to be broken? Someone, please, tell me that im ready to escape. This is not what i wanted. Im starting to miss you again. You don't have to be there. I just miss the person you used to be. So at the same time i have a chance to miss myself. I walked away, and then, when i tried to come back you pushed me aside. This storm that's broken me, my only friend, yea, it's hard for me to understand myself and then, how can i expect you to understand!? It's never enough, no matter what i do. It's all about how much im missing you, and im not supposed to. They say it's possible to grow up, completely. But i have never met someone who did. So no matter how much we try to grow up there's always that one thing that stays with us. Hope. I need to heal the hurt behind my eyes. I have to make my lies good. To move on, and to let go, or i'll fall again. Never thought i'll need someone to be with me in this pain. Never thought that would ever be you. But it seems it's been holding too strong, this shadow that's all over me. And it's all because of that, because i need you to be with me, but you don't want to be there. Why do people sacrifice the inner beauty, that's in all of us? I guess, you're safe within. I've might lost hope in you, but im still hoping for me, and all i am is you. And if that means i have to give away my inside, so will be. Im feeling the rush inside so maybe it is the end. I would, i would fall again, if i just could, for you. Day after day you're messing with my head. All these thoughts are destroying me, so it makes me believe i don't have the inner beauty to give it for you, for us. If you could hear my words would that change anything? Before i go, hear me out, you should listen to me. You never understood my words, and i haven't understood yours, but hear my looks, try and you'll see me. Im weightless again, just before the shadows... Make yourself listen. Make yourself see! Before i go, hear me out, cause it might be late.. You don't have to understand my words, just hear my heartbeat. And you'll hear me. If you only knew how every place i go reminds me of you, and every word someone tells me it's all you. It has always been, all about you. Everywhere i go, only you. They say i would give everything away to be with you, i don't want to be with you, i just need you by my side. To be there. All this im ready to give for you it's not cause i want to be with you, i don't, i  just need you to fuckin' be there. Those words were never necessary, all that was important was the silence that spoke herself, the looks, our tale.. 

this storm that's broken me, my only friend..

I can't miss you. Cause missing is bad. I remember the day when every single thing became meaningless to you. And i can't not remember all these months. It will pass- i tell myself. Time will take it. It will pass. As the time is passing nothing is changin'. I decided you're on the other side. Still, the other side is not far enough. Between mine and yours is just a thin thread. They say it gets thicker day by day. But as the days are passing by i can't see the change. It's as thin as it was at the start. There's no days, there's no time that could change things.Everywhere i go i look around and im trying to find you. I can feel your touch, hear your voice.. Everywhere.. A sadness grows inside of me and it all seems so unfair.And all the pain i should feel i push it down, i push it somewhere inside of me where no one wants to be. One look at that place and everything you ever thought you were is everything you have ever been afraid of. I see your face and still, after everything, it makes me smile. I can hear the whisper from my broken heart, im still swallowing the goodbye. And it seems like everything is broken, just when my brain decides to remember. Remembering is the hardest thing i have ever done. The sun isn't shining as it used to. And i can feel the rain, again, falling on my head like a memory. One drop, one feeling, one memory, new emotions-pain.I keep everything inside of me, im just another lost soul. You shall take the place inside of fire with me. I'll be broken another time i tell myself. I am stricken and i can't let you go even you're already gone. I wanna know if i'll heal inside, im so tired of being punished for just simply existing. I think it's enough for me tasting the hell this time. Im running from myself. Don't want others to see me falling, running from who i am. From who i've became. It is beyond my control will we ever meet again.I can feel the animal inside, pounding on the doors of my mind.And i can feel the fear inside of me but i can't bring myself to scream. I've found something i should be happy for, guess what happens? I remember. I never really had a chance on that fateful moonlit night, i thought i could fight, but until i realise why is it so hard to let go, i won't be able to fight the feelings i don't want to feel. Scroll down.. First post.. 13th May.. From that day im building this inside of me. Now, when i found someone else to miss. Someone else to love, i can't let go. Maybe something will change.. Maybe someone will change me, my feelings.. I still hope even i know.. And that's the mistake i keep repeatin'.

..things, people, feelings will never be the same again..

I listen to a song. A song that is happy and that makes me happy. Well, it's the only thing that makes me happy in last few months.. I tell myself that im over you, that im done, and nothing's gonna happen. And i stay behind my words, just till the next day when i see you.When you give me that look, look that makes me remember my tale, our tale. I remember you, with me, on that field. And in reality we had nothing but our words, and each other, every single day. At the end the guilted invaded notion of someone i once knew. I never thought that could ever be possible. But now, when i talk to you, and it's not so often, i don't recognize you. I just don't know you. Things aren't like they used to be, people aren't the same anymore, and feelings aren't either.When you blame yourself for everything it's much harder to deal with things you're going through.You know that feeling when you're tired of everything.? When it's easier to walk away then fight? And whenever that feeling comes, when the feeling to give up of everything comes you're not ready, you're never ready for it. Somehow you run from it. From the feeling, from the moment. You put a smile on your face and everything you do is pretend. Pretending is good. As long as people can't see you crashing they will treat you as they were going to. Once they see how hurt you are everything's gonna change. 'Cuz some may think everything else you do is pretending, but in reality you're just hiding feelings so you can't hurt anyone else. But i guess no one can see what you're going through. Everyone thinks there's no problems, they think you don't have any, but actually YOUR FEELINGS ARE QUITE ENOUGH problem for u. And yea, maybe i don't have problems, 'cuz i have nothing left with you, 'cuz everything with my family and friends is just fine, but hey, not everything you can just see is a problem, maybe you can't see it or touch it, but it's there. Not everything you can't see is not real, it really is out there. 

im giving all i have not to need you..

Run away? Run away to be lost in the crowd seems like a perfect answer. But running away is such an immature act. And cowardly. If good moments come to you everyday you can get sick of them, and it's not because you don't want them. Because you want something bad. But just, sometimes, all that we need is something called fear of losing everything. And just then you can see what things, what people mean, or don't mean to you. I try. Im trying. I want to go, i want to let everything go. Something is pushing me back, pulling me down and i can't even name the ''something''. Do you have to come now and then and leave some clues and just go, disappear? Is that really necessary? Well, it was never about how i feel, so, why should i care? It was never about how im spending the lonely nights on my own. Now, im ignoring you and it's working. I don't want you to run after me, to chase me, and i don't want you to need me.'Cuz im giving all i have not to need you. Im standing for myself. And you? You are the one that should not be named. You're on the OTHER SIDE. Side, that i don't even look at. And you always will be there. I will always remember you, and i'll remember our tale. But from now on everything you are is a stranger passing by. I won't ever even look at you, i'll just bend my head everytime i see you. 'Cuz you are a stranger standing on the other side. I will, at least, i'll try to remember you with me, on that field. But from tomorrow you have your field, and i'll make my own. I will collect, one by one, slowly and patiently little pieces of my heart i lost. Little pieces you took from me. With no mercy, you just pulled them out of me. You made me standing here all by myself. And just because of you i can't feel anything.

one wrong move and you're chasing shadows from the past..

When our looks cross, i stare, you stare. No moves, no words, just staring. And sometimes that staring, that silence tells more then any moves or words could ever tell. It's a silence with a story. Just like everyone else, we had one too. Our own. It was a story i could never tell again, it was a tale you only read once but it stays in your memory forever. No one wrote it down, but everyone knows it. Some may forget.. but not you.
You will remember every single word of it, moment, every single smile you had telling it.. living it.. Tale, which now seems like it wasn't right. Only becuase remembering it is the hardest memory you have.

You ask yourself if he's worth it. And the answer is positive. But take another look of what you have right now. Pain, that you can't even explain. Happiness, 'cuz it happened. Hope, for it to repeat. Faith, 'cuz of the unsaid words you're waiting for to be said, and at the end he screw you over again. Just with not telling anything, with ignoring your words,and not telling his, unsaid words. It makes you think they don't exist, but they do, they are there, and as long as they're unsaid you can't move on, you're stuck with your tale. Tale, that tells itself with the look he gives to you. Tale, that's passing through you. Tale, only you two can understand no matter how much people know about it. No matter you hope someone, who knows it, will finish it. You hope someone will break it, someone will help you, someone,that you know, will tell him to finish the unsaid words you're waiting for becuase you can't. But that won't happen, 'cuz only person you depend on is yourself,  no one will take a risk for you. You're on your own, 'cuz well, it is your tale, which now just makes you chasing shadows from the past! 

don't let others see you falling, don't be reason of their happiness..

What’s past is past, what’s done i cannot rewind. All those memories i think about now they're all fading away, and as they are i think about all those we could have, but we never will. Those memories are becoming shadows.  And as the time goes maybe i won't be able to remember them, or in the worst case i'll remember them forever. But now, when im aware that all two of us had is gone, i just want to forget everything, but i can't. I just can't put all that behind, all those memories we had, all those words, all those moments... And now, i hate myself coz of that, and when i see you smiling all around i feel kinda happy coz you are, and then when i realise what i've lost and when i realise i can't be happy, i go back to my tears. And i realised people love rain, they love standing on rain so no one can see their tears, no one can see the pain behind their eyes. Im sad too, but  i smile, make jokes it doesn't matter if its all pretending that im happy, in reality im all alone, lonely and on my own. Every single tear of mine is telling it's own story. But if you're brave, you'll stand on the rain with an umbrella, and hold back your tears ;)

its me on the picture

..including me and these words of mine..

-''You still love him?''
-"No way, where's that coming from, what made you think that?''
-"I know you. You do, you still love him. I can see it in your eyes. You're so insecure about your feelings, you're so quiet. You're finding explanations in everything he had done, for everything he said. You're defending him. Im not blind i can see your little, insecure smile when you look at him even you think no one can see it, even you believe you're strong. And i can hear how your voice shivers when you say his name. I know, i know you would give all this, including me and these words of mine, just to hug him. And i know you hate yourself 'cuz you're thinking of him everynight, knowing he isn't.. You still love him, ou, you love him so much..And i know you think he's worth it. But you should think about it, are those tears you're having right now and all that pain you're feeling, is that worth? I know you keep telling yourself that he is, that the pain will pass, and the tears will dissapear, but you can't be sure, can't you? ...Do you think that he'll fall for you? Do you think if he could just hear our words now, do you really think he would fall? And at the end i want you to know im there for you, no matter what you say..'cuz i know, i've been there were you are now, i kept saying that he's worth it..you don't wanna now how i feel now! "