we lost hope in a faraway place..

She pulled the curtains. She watched the world on the outside, finding something, someone.. somewhere. Could it be that she's forgetting? Could it be that every  new step, she's making, it's a memory she's losing?
And was it really hard do that at the start, there, where she lost herself? Those lonely nights, lost tears, her smiles she forgot on her way to here, were they just something that's now simply passing? Something she actually never had but it was still there? They were keeping her alive and now, when she's losing them, she's feeling more alive than she ever did. So, could it be that everything was for nothing? And if so, is she supposed to regret it? Or just not pay attention at it? How did she came this far? Here, where all those feelings she felt, when he looked at her, are something she buried deep inside of her. So she can't feel them, anymore. How did every reason, she had to be sad, became something so strange to her, did time took it? Just like it took her? And why is she still thinking? What's that one thing that's still connecting them? He's there, even he's not. And if everything passed why are they still looking at each other, with no feelings left, just staring. He's there. She's there. They're just there, and they always will be, even though it's all they're ever going to be. He took her down, she was drowning.. Past is behind them. Things are changing, she's standing on her feet again. She's fighting and it's not something she used to believe in, even she knew she will break. He left her side, that night. Painful, night. With every new day her steps were smaller. And on and on, until she touched the ground. If she just lay there, on the same ground, would he lay with her or would he just  walk away? She asked herself all the way, did she ever crossed his mind, or if those looks he gave her are just a part of her imagination, and if he ever stopped and just for a second missed her. Is she the only one who searched for answers? She never imagined to find them. But as long as you're trying, searching, you'll find it. Her steps are bigger now. All that's left is her revenge. She'll win him back. And then, she'll make him fall, fall like she did, but she won't let him feel a thing, cause she'll feel it with him, she'll go through it with him. Make him realize, after all, everything wasn't for nothing...At least, they will always be lost in their faraway place...

as he goes left and you stay right..

Where did i go wrong? I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness.. I lost my road. I lost myself. The fact that you're not here is killing me. I have to see you and know that you're not there. I can see you, but i can't feel you, anymore. I can't bring myself to scream when im alone in the room. I can't let everything just flow out of me. I keep it inside, im keeping you inside. You stood by me, and i stood by you. Now, i see you on the corner. Im lost and insecure. Back then, you found me. You were looking for me, and i let you in. You became the one i need just live a new day. I have to see you, there, where i am, laughing, making jokes.. And im lost again, im still the same. Im still insecure. But not you.. You're there and you're glad you are. I had you on my side, now i have to watch you keeping the promise you once made in a joke. You left me alone. You left me to fight this battle alone.. I was looking for the mistakes i've made, and i've never found them until now. As the days are passing im finding explanations. I decided you're on the otherside and i decided it's good. Until somehow you appear again.. And i go back to my tears. I still hope.. That's the mistake i've been doin'. But i just can't help myself. You're not making it any easier. You come and go, now you're here, the next moment you're not.. You say all those things that make me forget everything you have done. You give me that look like you miss who we were. But in reality im, again, just hoping.. nothing else..
All that's left are those unsaid words, there are still there, even i thought you said them. Even i thought i was the boredom killer. Even i spent so much time just thinking, trying to find them, trying to explain them..
Trying to just fix everything. Can't you understand? I have nothing left from all this and yet, i keep running in circles coming back to my thoughts. Locking the doors, sitting in the dark, im losing faith. The last thing i have ever imagined is watching you destroy everything i am. I don't mind being in pain. Sometimes i forget about it, but i never let anyone take it from me. Im enjoying every second of it. Every scar that it leaves. Bleeding. I was, i am bleeding on the inside. And i will never heal.. Can't you just be the old you? Can't you just tell me everything..

..heal my wounds, please?

Every feeling that i get, by every silent move you make. I never thought i would need you to be there, when i cry. I never needed someone to be there. And i can't take one more step, cause all that's waiting is regret. Don't you know how hard this is? Im running from a person i swore i'd never be. Im the one who has to face me. It's the voices i hear inside my head. Am i born to be broken? Someone, please, tell me that im ready to escape. This is not what i wanted. Im starting to miss you again. You don't have to be there. I just miss the person you used to be. So at the same time i have a chance to miss myself. I walked away, and then, when i tried to come back you pushed me aside. This storm that's broken me, my only friend, yea, it's hard for me to understand myself and then, how can i expect you to understand!? It's never enough, no matter what i do. It's all about how much im missing you, and im not supposed to. They say it's possible to grow up, completely. But i have never met someone who did. So no matter how much we try to grow up there's always that one thing that stays with us. Hope. I need to heal the hurt behind my eyes. I have to make my lies good. To move on, and to let go, or i'll fall again. Never thought i'll need someone to be with me in this pain. Never thought that would ever be you. But it seems it's been holding too strong, this shadow that's all over me. And it's all because of that, because i need you to be with me, but you don't want to be there. Why do people sacrifice the inner beauty, that's in all of us? I guess, you're safe within. I've might lost hope in you, but im still hoping for me, and all i am is you. And if that means i have to give away my inside, so will be. Im feeling the rush inside so maybe it is the end. I would, i would fall again, if i just could, for you. Day after day you're messing with my head. All these thoughts are destroying me, so it makes me believe i don't have the inner beauty to give it for you, for us. If you could hear my words would that change anything? Before i go, hear me out, you should listen to me. You never understood my words, and i haven't understood yours, but hear my looks, try and you'll see me. Im weightless again, just before the shadows... Make yourself listen. Make yourself see! Before i go, hear me out, cause it might be late.. You don't have to understand my words, just hear my heartbeat. And you'll hear me. If you only knew how every place i go reminds me of you, and every word someone tells me it's all you. It has always been, all about you. Everywhere i go, only you. They say i would give everything away to be with you, i don't want to be with you, i just need you by my side. To be there. All this im ready to give for you it's not cause i want to be with you, i don't, i  just need you to fuckin' be there. Those words were never necessary, all that was important was the silence that spoke herself, the looks, our tale.. 

if i had a world of my own, nothing would be what it is, 'cuz everything would be what it isn't...

Im from where the magic is. I give you all i cannot take with me. Begging you to stay with me, somehow. Knowing you will take the short way. Wrong way. Way out. I want to take you where the magic is. Lights. Im resisting, let the lightning take you. It's okay to feel what you're feeling, it's fine. You're in the dark. It's not about how you feel, it's about that moment when you stop. No more questions, what if this, what if that, what if.. No more feelings, and late nights drowning in your tears. Everything is fading away. Some things might stay, better not.. Believing every word can't let some things fade. Accepting those things, those words, words that have been said a long time ago will stop the pain. You were bleeding inside. No more. Now, it's just about emptiness you can't explain. The moment you realize you choose the wrong way, and you still don't know what's right and  wrong. But you will. I will be there, to tell you. To let you know.. To show you. I will be there to whisper it to you. When you hear the definition of right and wrong you'll see what pain is. You'll suffer. Not from pain, but from something called PAST. It would be easier if past would mean something bad is over. But your past will be something good you never took. Chance you missed. When the past is all over you, you won't be able to bring yourself to scream, and to let go. So when you hear the whisper from my broken heart just stop for a minute and think. Would you change anything? Turn around and you'll feel it. Cold wind flowing through you. Does it actually matter what i think? Is there anything left for me here? If i had a world on my own everything would be nonsense, nothing would be what it is, 'cuz everything would be what it isn't. Make things fade away! Push yourself to do it. Maybe you'll succeed, or in the worst case you will see, feel what i've felt. It's hard to fight, but try. From time to time you will remember, remember me. Maybe im wrong, maybe you won't regret anything. But hey, we both choose the wrong way, look where that brought us, and just take a look of who we are now. I thought emptiness will stop all those questions, but still, after everything, here and there, i ask myself some. I wonder if you ever just stop, and think: Man, i miss her. Do you ever remember all those late nights we spent talking?.. After everything i spent them all by myself drowning in tears and then when that was over too, i sit alone and just stare at that one point that seems to be everything i have.

this storm that's broken me, my only friend..

I can't miss you. Cause missing is bad. I remember the day when every single thing became meaningless to you. And i can't not remember all these months. It will pass- i tell myself. Time will take it. It will pass. As the time is passing nothing is changin'. I decided you're on the other side. Still, the other side is not far enough. Between mine and yours is just a thin thread. They say it gets thicker day by day. But as the days are passing by i can't see the change. It's as thin as it was at the start. There's no days, there's no time that could change things.Everywhere i go i look around and im trying to find you. I can feel your touch, hear your voice.. Everywhere.. A sadness grows inside of me and it all seems so unfair.And all the pain i should feel i push it down, i push it somewhere inside of me where no one wants to be. One look at that place and everything you ever thought you were is everything you have ever been afraid of. I see your face and still, after everything, it makes me smile. I can hear the whisper from my broken heart, im still swallowing the goodbye. And it seems like everything is broken, just when my brain decides to remember. Remembering is the hardest thing i have ever done. The sun isn't shining as it used to. And i can feel the rain, again, falling on my head like a memory. One drop, one feeling, one memory, new emotions-pain.I keep everything inside of me, im just another lost soul. You shall take the place inside of fire with me. I'll be broken another time i tell myself. I am stricken and i can't let you go even you're already gone. I wanna know if i'll heal inside, im so tired of being punished for just simply existing. I think it's enough for me tasting the hell this time. Im running from myself. Don't want others to see me falling, running from who i am. From who i've became. It is beyond my control will we ever meet again.I can feel the animal inside, pounding on the doors of my mind.And i can feel the fear inside of me but i can't bring myself to scream. I've found something i should be happy for, guess what happens? I remember. I never really had a chance on that fateful moonlit night, i thought i could fight, but until i realise why is it so hard to let go, i won't be able to fight the feelings i don't want to feel. Scroll down.. First post.. 13th May.. From that day im building this inside of me. Now, when i found someone else to miss. Someone else to love, i can't let go. Maybe something will change.. Maybe someone will change me, my feelings.. I still hope even i know.. And that's the mistake i keep repeatin'.

standing on the crossroad where you have to decide..

She is not bitter. She's just sad. Her dreams are her destiny. She will find a way, her wings are broken but she'll fly, fly away. When the stars are falling down and sending voices to her mind and the moonlight is filling pieces of her heart. There, where she lost her words behind, sadness is calling her to come, she'll join the land of seas of love. One day, when she's old enough she'll realise how close she was to reality and she missed it. It slipped through her hands. At that moment all the feelings will break through her, and break her. She'll hear the words, quietly landing on her ears. And she'll find a little piece of her heart lost in the crowd, sitting there, quiet like a cloud, she'll find a smile in her eyes. She'll stand and fight. Seems like it was a long time ago. There was a crossroad and she choose the wrong way. Even she still doesn't know what is right and what is wrong. Feeling what she felt in that darkness, was a sign. It's hard to fight when you're drowning in your tears. And the flame is burning on and on. So that smile, she caught in her eyes was the dream she once, used to had. So she stands, and she fights. 'Cause she's strong, she'd travel time to confess. She may ask herself ''has the moment came and passed?''. Her dreams are still there and they always will be her destiny. But when the dreams are everything that is left, only words can speak the tale. Have you seen the stars? Falling down? You can understand. You have not? You will... You born alone. You die alone. The rest is yours to fill the gap. And now? She's missing someone else.. 

-le me improvising with emir hot-you, and stand and fight songs.

..things, people, feelings will never be the same again..

I listen to a song. A song that is happy and that makes me happy. Well, it's the only thing that makes me happy in last few months.. I tell myself that im over you, that im done, and nothing's gonna happen. And i stay behind my words, just till the next day when i see you.When you give me that look, look that makes me remember my tale, our tale. I remember you, with me, on that field. And in reality we had nothing but our words, and each other, every single day. At the end the guilted invaded notion of someone i once knew. I never thought that could ever be possible. But now, when i talk to you, and it's not so often, i don't recognize you. I just don't know you. Things aren't like they used to be, people aren't the same anymore, and feelings aren't either.When you blame yourself for everything it's much harder to deal with things you're going through.You know that feeling when you're tired of everything.? When it's easier to walk away then fight? And whenever that feeling comes, when the feeling to give up of everything comes you're not ready, you're never ready for it. Somehow you run from it. From the feeling, from the moment. You put a smile on your face and everything you do is pretend. Pretending is good. As long as people can't see you crashing they will treat you as they were going to. Once they see how hurt you are everything's gonna change. 'Cuz some may think everything else you do is pretending, but in reality you're just hiding feelings so you can't hurt anyone else. But i guess no one can see what you're going through. Everyone thinks there's no problems, they think you don't have any, but actually YOUR FEELINGS ARE QUITE ENOUGH problem for u. And yea, maybe i don't have problems, 'cuz i have nothing left with you, 'cuz everything with my family and friends is just fine, but hey, not everything you can just see is a problem, maybe you can't see it or touch it, but it's there. Not everything you can't see is not real, it really is out there. 

I WAS THE ''BOREDOM KILLER''

If things in your life are going good, please, enjoy them, 'cuz they won't last forever. But remember, if they're going bad, they can't last forever either. Maybe one day, you'll regret the chances you didn't took, chances you missed.Don't ever, ever,ever, blame yourself for something you know you haven't done.Don't blame yourself for other people mistakes. Yes, i've been in love. Painful. Pointless. Overrated. I was waiting for those words you didn't said at the end. And i thought it's not the end if they're still unsaid. But then, when you finally did. Not completely but still.. you said everything i had to hear. It's not im not getting used to it.. To be screwed over and over again. Or to trust wrong people. It's just i thought you, ''the you'', for who i actually thought were different screwed me the most. And i can't live with the fact that i have to feel this, what i feel right now, just because i let myself fall for you. People around me keep telling me i should be strong, not to cry, not look back and not to feel what i feel. But the thing is, i am strong. I truly am. I remember how i used to not care and everything was just fine. At the moment i started to care one by one, little pieces of me broke, and fell off. Until, everything that is left it's everything i will ever be, and ever feel. It's ok to cry. You can cry. There's always time to be positive. Now, im not sure if i really wanted the words to be said, but they are, and i can't do anything about it. I've been through all this alone with this blog and words of mine. That. That makes ME strong. And now, when im ready to move on. When i am ready to not think about you, talk about you, when im ready to let you go. To let the memories, and feelings go away. I realize how much time i've lost just sitting and thinking something will change but actually all this time i knew who you really were, i just didn't want to accept it, and live with it. Live with the fact, everything i ever was to you it's boredom killer, and well, seems like im that for everyone else. 

one wrong move and you're chasing shadows from the past..

When our looks cross, i stare, you stare. No moves, no words, just staring. And sometimes that staring, that silence tells more then any moves or words could ever tell. It's a silence with a story. Just like everyone else, we had one too. Our own. It was a story i could never tell again, it was a tale you only read once but it stays in your memory forever. No one wrote it down, but everyone knows it. Some may forget.. but not you.
You will remember every single word of it, moment, every single smile you had telling it.. living it.. Tale, which now seems like it wasn't right. Only becuase remembering it is the hardest memory you have.

You ask yourself if he's worth it. And the answer is positive. But take another look of what you have right now. Pain, that you can't even explain. Happiness, 'cuz it happened. Hope, for it to repeat. Faith, 'cuz of the unsaid words you're waiting for to be said, and at the end he screw you over again. Just with not telling anything, with ignoring your words,and not telling his, unsaid words. It makes you think they don't exist, but they do, they are there, and as long as they're unsaid you can't move on, you're stuck with your tale. Tale, that tells itself with the look he gives to you. Tale, that's passing through you. Tale, only you two can understand no matter how much people know about it. No matter you hope someone, who knows it, will finish it. You hope someone will break it, someone will help you, someone,that you know, will tell him to finish the unsaid words you're waiting for becuase you can't. But that won't happen, 'cuz only person you depend on is yourself,  no one will take a risk for you. You're on your own, 'cuz well, it is your tale, which now just makes you chasing shadows from the past!