ne uklapas se u okvire ove stvarnosti, ili to samo ne zelis?

-''Nikada zapravo nisam došla do kraja. I nije mi ovo samo donijelo vrijeme, mi jesmo. Nesigurno, a istovremeno, puna čežnje, dotaknula bih granicu između samoće i apsolutno ničega. I sve ono što mi je bilo nešto, postalo bi ništa. I svaka sljedeća riječ rušila bi se pod onim drhtavim glasom koji nikad prije nisam čula, niti osjetila. Nisu moje nebo ni prekrili sivi oblaci, nego nešto drugo. Tamna tišina. Okreneš se u jednom trenutku, pogledaš, sve je tu, a ničega nema...''

-''I?''

-''I, ne staneš. Ne razmisliš. Zakoračiš u nešto, bez imalo straha, samoće, osjećaja.. Sve se ponovo izjalovi u nedefinisanu prazninu. I nemaš šta, i nemaš kud, i nemaš kome ni da hoćeš. Osjećaš li još uvijek svaki dodir, sjećaš li se svake riječi? Trošiš li još uvijek vrijeme na neispričane bajke, neizrečene riječi i nedokučene istine? - Pitaš se, a znaš. Osjetiš i sjećaš. I nema veće kazne.''
-''Koji je tvoj problem?''
-''Stvarnost. Ova naša, izgubljena. Trenutak u kome su se maštanja pretvorila u očekivanja. Trenutak u kome šutiš, ali si već razumio pogled. I dok šutimo, mi imamo o čemu, dok  sve ostalo je prazno. Suze ti dođu tako lako i ti prekršiš ono obećanje. Tišina. Samo još možeš čuti kako negdje ispod tebe, na pod, padne kap, i osjetiš razmazanu maskaru na svojim obrazima. Nisi ni trepnula, a već rukom brišeš lice, uvjerena da ćeš time obrisati i sva ona sjećanja koja te toliko bole. Uvjerena da ćeš time sakriti strah koji ti vidi u očima, a ustvari, samo drhtaj one iste ruke, koja je posegnula ka licu, te odao. Kada shvatiš da je to besmisleno i da od tog' trenutka nema dalje, nadaš se onom' starom..Da on ne vidi niti jedan tvoj pokret, da ne osjeti ni jedan tvoj uzdah, da ne umije da shvati tvoju tišinu...I eto šta ti je donijelo ono tvoje vrijeme.. Puna si suvišnih nadanja, pitanja.. Sve ti je jasno i onda kad nije. Ti sjajiš, a u sebi nosiš mrak, ne uklapaš se u okvire! Prepoznaš se u tuđim očima, onda se okreneš i odeš.''

-''Ne razumijem..''

-''Ali hoćeš..''

we lost hope in a faraway place..

She pulled the curtains. She watched the world on the outside, finding something, someone.. somewhere. Could it be that she's forgetting? Could it be that every  new step, she's making, it's a memory she's losing?
And was it really hard do that at the start, there, where she lost herself? Those lonely nights, lost tears, her smiles she forgot on her way to here, were they just something that's now simply passing? Something she actually never had but it was still there? They were keeping her alive and now, when she's losing them, she's feeling more alive than she ever did. So, could it be that everything was for nothing? And if so, is she supposed to regret it? Or just not pay attention at it? How did she came this far? Here, where all those feelings she felt, when he looked at her, are something she buried deep inside of her. So she can't feel them, anymore. How did every reason, she had to be sad, became something so strange to her, did time took it? Just like it took her? And why is she still thinking? What's that one thing that's still connecting them? He's there, even he's not. And if everything passed why are they still looking at each other, with no feelings left, just staring. He's there. She's there. They're just there, and they always will be, even though it's all they're ever going to be. He took her down, she was drowning.. Past is behind them. Things are changing, she's standing on her feet again. She's fighting and it's not something she used to believe in, even she knew she will break. He left her side, that night. Painful, night. With every new day her steps were smaller. And on and on, until she touched the ground. If she just lay there, on the same ground, would he lay with her or would he just  walk away? She asked herself all the way, did she ever crossed his mind, or if those looks he gave her are just a part of her imagination, and if he ever stopped and just for a second missed her. Is she the only one who searched for answers? She never imagined to find them. But as long as you're trying, searching, you'll find it. Her steps are bigger now. All that's left is her revenge. She'll win him back. And then, she'll make him fall, fall like she did, but she won't let him feel a thing, cause she'll feel it with him, she'll go through it with him. Make him realize, after all, everything wasn't for nothing...At least, they will always be lost in their faraway place...

as he goes left and you stay right..

Where did i go wrong? I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness.. I lost my road. I lost myself. The fact that you're not here is killing me. I have to see you and know that you're not there. I can see you, but i can't feel you, anymore. I can't bring myself to scream when im alone in the room. I can't let everything just flow out of me. I keep it inside, im keeping you inside. You stood by me, and i stood by you. Now, i see you on the corner. Im lost and insecure. Back then, you found me. You were looking for me, and i let you in. You became the one i need just live a new day. I have to see you, there, where i am, laughing, making jokes.. And im lost again, im still the same. Im still insecure. But not you.. You're there and you're glad you are. I had you on my side, now i have to watch you keeping the promise you once made in a joke. You left me alone. You left me to fight this battle alone.. I was looking for the mistakes i've made, and i've never found them until now. As the days are passing im finding explanations. I decided you're on the otherside and i decided it's good. Until somehow you appear again.. And i go back to my tears. I still hope.. That's the mistake i've been doin'. But i just can't help myself. You're not making it any easier. You come and go, now you're here, the next moment you're not.. You say all those things that make me forget everything you have done. You give me that look like you miss who we were. But in reality im, again, just hoping.. nothing else..
All that's left are those unsaid words, there are still there, even i thought you said them. Even i thought i was the boredom killer. Even i spent so much time just thinking, trying to find them, trying to explain them..
Trying to just fix everything. Can't you understand? I have nothing left from all this and yet, i keep running in circles coming back to my thoughts. Locking the doors, sitting in the dark, im losing faith. The last thing i have ever imagined is watching you destroy everything i am. I don't mind being in pain. Sometimes i forget about it, but i never let anyone take it from me. Im enjoying every second of it. Every scar that it leaves. Bleeding. I was, i am bleeding on the inside. And i will never heal.. Can't you just be the old you? Can't you just tell me everything..

this storm that's broken me, my only friend..

I can't miss you. Cause missing is bad. I remember the day when every single thing became meaningless to you. And i can't not remember all these months. It will pass- i tell myself. Time will take it. It will pass. As the time is passing nothing is changin'. I decided you're on the other side. Still, the other side is not far enough. Between mine and yours is just a thin thread. They say it gets thicker day by day. But as the days are passing by i can't see the change. It's as thin as it was at the start. There's no days, there's no time that could change things.Everywhere i go i look around and im trying to find you. I can feel your touch, hear your voice.. Everywhere.. A sadness grows inside of me and it all seems so unfair.And all the pain i should feel i push it down, i push it somewhere inside of me where no one wants to be. One look at that place and everything you ever thought you were is everything you have ever been afraid of. I see your face and still, after everything, it makes me smile. I can hear the whisper from my broken heart, im still swallowing the goodbye. And it seems like everything is broken, just when my brain decides to remember. Remembering is the hardest thing i have ever done. The sun isn't shining as it used to. And i can feel the rain, again, falling on my head like a memory. One drop, one feeling, one memory, new emotions-pain.I keep everything inside of me, im just another lost soul. You shall take the place inside of fire with me. I'll be broken another time i tell myself. I am stricken and i can't let you go even you're already gone. I wanna know if i'll heal inside, im so tired of being punished for just simply existing. I think it's enough for me tasting the hell this time. Im running from myself. Don't want others to see me falling, running from who i am. From who i've became. It is beyond my control will we ever meet again.I can feel the animal inside, pounding on the doors of my mind.And i can feel the fear inside of me but i can't bring myself to scream. I've found something i should be happy for, guess what happens? I remember. I never really had a chance on that fateful moonlit night, i thought i could fight, but until i realise why is it so hard to let go, i won't be able to fight the feelings i don't want to feel. Scroll down.. First post.. 13th May.. From that day im building this inside of me. Now, when i found someone else to miss. Someone else to love, i can't let go. Maybe something will change.. Maybe someone will change me, my feelings.. I still hope even i know.. And that's the mistake i keep repeatin'.

standing on the crossroad where you have to decide..

She is not bitter. She's just sad. Her dreams are her destiny. She will find a way, her wings are broken but she'll fly, fly away. When the stars are falling down and sending voices to her mind and the moonlight is filling pieces of her heart. There, where she lost her words behind, sadness is calling her to come, she'll join the land of seas of love. One day, when she's old enough she'll realise how close she was to reality and she missed it. It slipped through her hands. At that moment all the feelings will break through her, and break her. She'll hear the words, quietly landing on her ears. And she'll find a little piece of her heart lost in the crowd, sitting there, quiet like a cloud, she'll find a smile in her eyes. She'll stand and fight. Seems like it was a long time ago. There was a crossroad and she choose the wrong way. Even she still doesn't know what is right and what is wrong. Feeling what she felt in that darkness, was a sign. It's hard to fight when you're drowning in your tears. And the flame is burning on and on. So that smile, she caught in her eyes was the dream she once, used to had. So she stands, and she fights. 'Cause she's strong, she'd travel time to confess. She may ask herself ''has the moment came and passed?''. Her dreams are still there and they always will be her destiny. But when the dreams are everything that is left, only words can speak the tale. Have you seen the stars? Falling down? You can understand. You have not? You will... You born alone. You die alone. The rest is yours to fill the gap. And now? She's missing someone else.. 

-le me improvising with emir hot-you, and stand and fight songs.

one wrong move and you're chasing shadows from the past..

When our looks cross, i stare, you stare. No moves, no words, just staring. And sometimes that staring, that silence tells more then any moves or words could ever tell. It's a silence with a story. Just like everyone else, we had one too. Our own. It was a story i could never tell again, it was a tale you only read once but it stays in your memory forever. No one wrote it down, but everyone knows it. Some may forget.. but not you.
You will remember every single word of it, moment, every single smile you had telling it.. living it.. Tale, which now seems like it wasn't right. Only becuase remembering it is the hardest memory you have.

You ask yourself if he's worth it. And the answer is positive. But take another look of what you have right now. Pain, that you can't even explain. Happiness, 'cuz it happened. Hope, for it to repeat. Faith, 'cuz of the unsaid words you're waiting for to be said, and at the end he screw you over again. Just with not telling anything, with ignoring your words,and not telling his, unsaid words. It makes you think they don't exist, but they do, they are there, and as long as they're unsaid you can't move on, you're stuck with your tale. Tale, that tells itself with the look he gives to you. Tale, that's passing through you. Tale, only you two can understand no matter how much people know about it. No matter you hope someone, who knows it, will finish it. You hope someone will break it, someone will help you, someone,that you know, will tell him to finish the unsaid words you're waiting for becuase you can't. But that won't happen, 'cuz only person you depend on is yourself,  no one will take a risk for you. You're on your own, 'cuz well, it is your tale, which now just makes you chasing shadows from the past! 

i felt so empty as i cried like part of me had died..

Time is a tricky thing. It passes so fast that you barely realise. And as it goes, as it changes, everything changes with it. It takes your memories and moments, it takes YOUR moments with it. And with time comes happiness, joy.. but sometimes, time brings pain, and sadness. And time is life. With the same time we learn how to live with it, how to live with everything life brings. People change with time too. Same people who once wanted to spent every second of their lifes with u, just talking to u, or just staring at u. Same people who once swore they're going to be there for u when u need them. Same people who are just strangers now. Same people who, now, are not same as they used to be. They left your life without a goodbye, without an explanation, they just.. left.. Becuase it was easier than try to work things out.
And when i talk about people, and when i talk about their actions from past, or from today i think about you.

At this moment you're supossed to come to me. You're supossed to come to me and ask me something. Anything. Maybe you should ask me how i feel. Becuase i was there for you, i was there when no one was. And those are your words, not mine. You said that, it came from your mouth. And i just can't believe you broke your promise, and i never believed you could put everything behind you. All our words, all our messages and all our looks. All those little and meaningless things which are now everything that i have. Everything that is left here for me. It's everything that keeps me alive.

don't let others see you falling, don't be reason of their happiness..

What’s past is past, what’s done i cannot rewind. All those memories i think about now they're all fading away, and as they are i think about all those we could have, but we never will. Those memories are becoming shadows.  And as the time goes maybe i won't be able to remember them, or in the worst case i'll remember them forever. But now, when im aware that all two of us had is gone, i just want to forget everything, but i can't. I just can't put all that behind, all those memories we had, all those words, all those moments... And now, i hate myself coz of that, and when i see you smiling all around i feel kinda happy coz you are, and then when i realise what i've lost and when i realise i can't be happy, i go back to my tears. And i realised people love rain, they love standing on rain so no one can see their tears, no one can see the pain behind their eyes. Im sad too, but  i smile, make jokes it doesn't matter if its all pretending that im happy, in reality im all alone, lonely and on my own. Every single tear of mine is telling it's own story. But if you're brave, you'll stand on the rain with an umbrella, and hold back your tears ;)

its me on the picture