on that night, 31.12.

On that faithful moonlight night i was standing there, in the coldness. I would lie if i tell i was waiting. No. This is the way you left me. I kept walking around. I tried to pretend nothing went wrong, but it did. It felt like forever. But i wasn't waiting, not at all. This is the hardest story that i've ever told. As i was watching the stars, falling down, and as i heard the voices in the back, voices from down the street. As i heard laughs from down there. I couldn't bring myself to cry. Not a single tear was shed. And i was telling myself a lot of things, that night. But i couldn't understand my own words. I could only hear the voices. Someone's voices, voices i knew. I knew i can't look down the street, i knew if i would it would tear me apart. But i thought i knew so many things, so i did it. I turned my head and i could see everything i ever thought that could destroy me. And it didn't, cause i didn't let it. I thought i won't have strength in my legs to move, i thought i won't be able to let a word come out of my mouth, but i did. So now i can truly say, everything i ever thought is a lie.

I was looking down the street and at that moment i was watching the voices i've heard. I knew them better then i knew myself, and it was the only thing i actually knew on that night. No tears. No happy endings.

Somewhere in the crowd, between the voices i could hear my heart. It was skipping beats. I was healing the hurt behind my eyes by simply standing there and dealing with the voices i heard.

-Hey! Hurry up then! Or you'll fall behind and they'll take control of you. Voices, yes.
If you don't hurry up, if you don't catch yourself in the moment, they will. You'll be made of them. Every single thought will speak itself with the voices, voices you're hearing. Don't let yourself be there, where you were. No, that's not for you. Little bastards who are trying to impress each other, no. You're more than
that.-

So as i was staring, down, i kept my feelings no one knew. In this times of doing what you're told, you realize you always did kept them for yourself. Everyone's pointing their fingers, and no one knows what it's like.
What it's like to know, and never been told. 

-Silence. Silence everywhere. You hear a whisper and then a laugh. And again, and again. You could hear the silence calling his name. It's getting louder. Few words. It's loud. If you weren't there you couldn't sleep. Not because of the voices, but, because of the night. It actually doesn't mean you're lonely if you're alone. You stood alone there, yea. On that night, you weren't lonely, you never are. You're over. Making a story doesn't help. Making things right on your own way won't help. You're just another lost soul that's made to suffer. But not on that night, that night was simply beautiful.. -

we lost hope in a faraway place..

She pulled the curtains. She watched the world on the outside, finding something, someone.. somewhere. Could it be that she's forgetting? Could it be that every  new step, she's making, it's a memory she's losing?
And was it really hard do that at the start, there, where she lost herself? Those lonely nights, lost tears, her smiles she forgot on her way to here, were they just something that's now simply passing? Something she actually never had but it was still there? They were keeping her alive and now, when she's losing them, she's feeling more alive than she ever did. So, could it be that everything was for nothing? And if so, is she supposed to regret it? Or just not pay attention at it? How did she came this far? Here, where all those feelings she felt, when he looked at her, are something she buried deep inside of her. So she can't feel them, anymore. How did every reason, she had to be sad, became something so strange to her, did time took it? Just like it took her? And why is she still thinking? What's that one thing that's still connecting them? He's there, even he's not. And if everything passed why are they still looking at each other, with no feelings left, just staring. He's there. She's there. They're just there, and they always will be, even though it's all they're ever going to be. He took her down, she was drowning.. Past is behind them. Things are changing, she's standing on her feet again. She's fighting and it's not something she used to believe in, even she knew she will break. He left her side, that night. Painful, night. With every new day her steps were smaller. And on and on, until she touched the ground. If she just lay there, on the same ground, would he lay with her or would he just  walk away? She asked herself all the way, did she ever crossed his mind, or if those looks he gave her are just a part of her imagination, and if he ever stopped and just for a second missed her. Is she the only one who searched for answers? She never imagined to find them. But as long as you're trying, searching, you'll find it. Her steps are bigger now. All that's left is her revenge. She'll win him back. And then, she'll make him fall, fall like she did, but she won't let him feel a thing, cause she'll feel it with him, she'll go through it with him. Make him realize, after all, everything wasn't for nothing...At least, they will always be lost in their faraway place...

as he goes left and you stay right..

Where did i go wrong? I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness.. I lost my road. I lost myself. The fact that you're not here is killing me. I have to see you and know that you're not there. I can see you, but i can't feel you, anymore. I can't bring myself to scream when im alone in the room. I can't let everything just flow out of me. I keep it inside, im keeping you inside. You stood by me, and i stood by you. Now, i see you on the corner. Im lost and insecure. Back then, you found me. You were looking for me, and i let you in. You became the one i need just live a new day. I have to see you, there, where i am, laughing, making jokes.. And im lost again, im still the same. Im still insecure. But not you.. You're there and you're glad you are. I had you on my side, now i have to watch you keeping the promise you once made in a joke. You left me alone. You left me to fight this battle alone.. I was looking for the mistakes i've made, and i've never found them until now. As the days are passing im finding explanations. I decided you're on the otherside and i decided it's good. Until somehow you appear again.. And i go back to my tears. I still hope.. That's the mistake i've been doin'. But i just can't help myself. You're not making it any easier. You come and go, now you're here, the next moment you're not.. You say all those things that make me forget everything you have done. You give me that look like you miss who we were. But in reality im, again, just hoping.. nothing else..
All that's left are those unsaid words, there are still there, even i thought you said them. Even i thought i was the boredom killer. Even i spent so much time just thinking, trying to find them, trying to explain them..
Trying to just fix everything. Can't you understand? I have nothing left from all this and yet, i keep running in circles coming back to my thoughts. Locking the doors, sitting in the dark, im losing faith. The last thing i have ever imagined is watching you destroy everything i am. I don't mind being in pain. Sometimes i forget about it, but i never let anyone take it from me. Im enjoying every second of it. Every scar that it leaves. Bleeding. I was, i am bleeding on the inside. And i will never heal.. Can't you just be the old you? Can't you just tell me everything..

between the lines of fear and blame,you begin to wonder why you came..

She's lost in her own words. She got lost at the start, there, where she couldn't even choose the right way. Her shadows the only one that walks beside her. And she won't find her rest until the voices in her head stop. But does she want them to stop, are they keeping her alive? Are they everything that's left for her? And she keeps asking herself where did she went wrong, and is it bad to miss him? Cause it feels so wrong but she can't stop. Only thing missing is bringing to her is pain, maybe she's born to suffer. Someone's choice changed a life. Her life. She's fighting to survive. Over and over she falls. She can't stand like she used to, she can't smile like before. Is everything that is left a little feeling of missing someone, something..?
She's a little piece of puzzle lost in a dark place. It slipped through someones hands and now it's lost forever.
You can't bring it back, you can't finish your puzzle, it's just lost. After some time, when you find it, you may be happy about it, you might be sad cause it's not same as it was. Time ruined it. Time hurt it. Time took it.
So why are you searching for it? Don't ever come back for it, don't! Cause that piece of puzzle is, well, piece of puzzle and she can't do anything about it, after everything, she'll be again yours,just like she used to,even though you know you can't finish the puzzle! With or without the last piece, it's just not the same.
If she hold back her tears will it stop? This can't be all she has. And she needs him, like she never did. And all this time she hoped he needs her too. So why is it so painful to stop crying? If crying means we're alive, is it so wrong to feel so good about feeling alive that way? Can't we change our paths? She's standing there watching him in flames. Watching him staying awake all night, burnin' in flames, taking the wrong way, way she choose. As he goes left, she goes right, they're on the other sides, other roads, still, it's the same lonely road that was meant to take them. She's lost, insecure, surrounded, and he found her. He caught that little smile on her face, the brightness in her eyes when she looked at him, at that moment he knew, knew that she would follow all the way down. That she would stay beside him, and at that same moment she lost him.
She lost him cause he realized she'll be there. No matter what. She will be there. She can't let the past go, it's not the thing she can just forget.. She can't.. Cause she's used to it. He comes, and goes, and breaks and brings the hope, brings the pain. But she? She'll be there.

this storm that's broken me, my only friend..

I can't miss you. Cause missing is bad. I remember the day when every single thing became meaningless to you. And i can't not remember all these months. It will pass- i tell myself. Time will take it. It will pass. As the time is passing nothing is changin'. I decided you're on the other side. Still, the other side is not far enough. Between mine and yours is just a thin thread. They say it gets thicker day by day. But as the days are passing by i can't see the change. It's as thin as it was at the start. There's no days, there's no time that could change things.Everywhere i go i look around and im trying to find you. I can feel your touch, hear your voice.. Everywhere.. A sadness grows inside of me and it all seems so unfair.And all the pain i should feel i push it down, i push it somewhere inside of me where no one wants to be. One look at that place and everything you ever thought you were is everything you have ever been afraid of. I see your face and still, after everything, it makes me smile. I can hear the whisper from my broken heart, im still swallowing the goodbye. And it seems like everything is broken, just when my brain decides to remember. Remembering is the hardest thing i have ever done. The sun isn't shining as it used to. And i can feel the rain, again, falling on my head like a memory. One drop, one feeling, one memory, new emotions-pain.I keep everything inside of me, im just another lost soul. You shall take the place inside of fire with me. I'll be broken another time i tell myself. I am stricken and i can't let you go even you're already gone. I wanna know if i'll heal inside, im so tired of being punished for just simply existing. I think it's enough for me tasting the hell this time. Im running from myself. Don't want others to see me falling, running from who i am. From who i've became. It is beyond my control will we ever meet again.I can feel the animal inside, pounding on the doors of my mind.And i can feel the fear inside of me but i can't bring myself to scream. I've found something i should be happy for, guess what happens? I remember. I never really had a chance on that fateful moonlit night, i thought i could fight, but until i realise why is it so hard to let go, i won't be able to fight the feelings i don't want to feel. Scroll down.. First post.. 13th May.. From that day im building this inside of me. Now, when i found someone else to miss. Someone else to love, i can't let go. Maybe something will change.. Maybe someone will change me, my feelings.. I still hope even i know.. And that's the mistake i keep repeatin'.

im giving all i have not to need you..

Run away? Run away to be lost in the crowd seems like a perfect answer. But running away is such an immature act. And cowardly. If good moments come to you everyday you can get sick of them, and it's not because you don't want them. Because you want something bad. But just, sometimes, all that we need is something called fear of losing everything. And just then you can see what things, what people mean, or don't mean to you. I try. Im trying. I want to go, i want to let everything go. Something is pushing me back, pulling me down and i can't even name the ''something''. Do you have to come now and then and leave some clues and just go, disappear? Is that really necessary? Well, it was never about how i feel, so, why should i care? It was never about how im spending the lonely nights on my own. Now, im ignoring you and it's working. I don't want you to run after me, to chase me, and i don't want you to need me.'Cuz im giving all i have not to need you. Im standing for myself. And you? You are the one that should not be named. You're on the OTHER SIDE. Side, that i don't even look at. And you always will be there. I will always remember you, and i'll remember our tale. But from now on everything you are is a stranger passing by. I won't ever even look at you, i'll just bend my head everytime i see you. 'Cuz you are a stranger standing on the other side. I will, at least, i'll try to remember you with me, on that field. But from tomorrow you have your field, and i'll make my own. I will collect, one by one, slowly and patiently little pieces of my heart i lost. Little pieces you took from me. With no mercy, you just pulled them out of me. You made me standing here all by myself. And just because of you i can't feel anything.