on that night, 31.12.

On that faithful moonlight night i was standing there, in the coldness. I would lie if i tell i was waiting. No. This is the way you left me. I kept walking around. I tried to pretend nothing went wrong, but it did. It felt like forever. But i wasn't waiting, not at all. This is the hardest story that i've ever told. As i was watching the stars, falling down, and as i heard the voices in the back, voices from down the street. As i heard laughs from down there. I couldn't bring myself to cry. Not a single tear was shed. And i was telling myself a lot of things, that night. But i couldn't understand my own words. I could only hear the voices. Someone's voices, voices i knew. I knew i can't look down the street, i knew if i would it would tear me apart. But i thought i knew so many things, so i did it. I turned my head and i could see everything i ever thought that could destroy me. And it didn't, cause i didn't let it. I thought i won't have strength in my legs to move, i thought i won't be able to let a word come out of my mouth, but i did. So now i can truly say, everything i ever thought is a lie.

I was looking down the street and at that moment i was watching the voices i've heard. I knew them better then i knew myself, and it was the only thing i actually knew on that night. No tears. No happy endings.

Somewhere in the crowd, between the voices i could hear my heart. It was skipping beats. I was healing the hurt behind my eyes by simply standing there and dealing with the voices i heard.

-Hey! Hurry up then! Or you'll fall behind and they'll take control of you. Voices, yes.
If you don't hurry up, if you don't catch yourself in the moment, they will. You'll be made of them. Every single thought will speak itself with the voices, voices you're hearing. Don't let yourself be there, where you were. No, that's not for you. Little bastards who are trying to impress each other, no. You're more than
that.-

So as i was staring, down, i kept my feelings no one knew. In this times of doing what you're told, you realize you always did kept them for yourself. Everyone's pointing their fingers, and no one knows what it's like.
What it's like to know, and never been told. 

-Silence. Silence everywhere. You hear a whisper and then a laugh. And again, and again. You could hear the silence calling his name. It's getting louder. Few words. It's loud. If you weren't there you couldn't sleep. Not because of the voices, but, because of the night. It actually doesn't mean you're lonely if you're alone. You stood alone there, yea. On that night, you weren't lonely, you never are. You're over. Making a story doesn't help. Making things right on your own way won't help. You're just another lost soul that's made to suffer. But not on that night, that night was simply beautiful.. -

this storm that's broken me, my only friend..

I can't miss you. Cause missing is bad. I remember the day when every single thing became meaningless to you. And i can't not remember all these months. It will pass- i tell myself. Time will take it. It will pass. As the time is passing nothing is changin'. I decided you're on the other side. Still, the other side is not far enough. Between mine and yours is just a thin thread. They say it gets thicker day by day. But as the days are passing by i can't see the change. It's as thin as it was at the start. There's no days, there's no time that could change things.Everywhere i go i look around and im trying to find you. I can feel your touch, hear your voice.. Everywhere.. A sadness grows inside of me and it all seems so unfair.And all the pain i should feel i push it down, i push it somewhere inside of me where no one wants to be. One look at that place and everything you ever thought you were is everything you have ever been afraid of. I see your face and still, after everything, it makes me smile. I can hear the whisper from my broken heart, im still swallowing the goodbye. And it seems like everything is broken, just when my brain decides to remember. Remembering is the hardest thing i have ever done. The sun isn't shining as it used to. And i can feel the rain, again, falling on my head like a memory. One drop, one feeling, one memory, new emotions-pain.I keep everything inside of me, im just another lost soul. You shall take the place inside of fire with me. I'll be broken another time i tell myself. I am stricken and i can't let you go even you're already gone. I wanna know if i'll heal inside, im so tired of being punished for just simply existing. I think it's enough for me tasting the hell this time. Im running from myself. Don't want others to see me falling, running from who i am. From who i've became. It is beyond my control will we ever meet again.I can feel the animal inside, pounding on the doors of my mind.And i can feel the fear inside of me but i can't bring myself to scream. I've found something i should be happy for, guess what happens? I remember. I never really had a chance on that fateful moonlit night, i thought i could fight, but until i realise why is it so hard to let go, i won't be able to fight the feelings i don't want to feel. Scroll down.. First post.. 13th May.. From that day im building this inside of me. Now, when i found someone else to miss. Someone else to love, i can't let go. Maybe something will change.. Maybe someone will change me, my feelings.. I still hope even i know.. And that's the mistake i keep repeatin'.

..things, people, feelings will never be the same again..

I listen to a song. A song that is happy and that makes me happy. Well, it's the only thing that makes me happy in last few months.. I tell myself that im over you, that im done, and nothing's gonna happen. And i stay behind my words, just till the next day when i see you.When you give me that look, look that makes me remember my tale, our tale. I remember you, with me, on that field. And in reality we had nothing but our words, and each other, every single day. At the end the guilted invaded notion of someone i once knew. I never thought that could ever be possible. But now, when i talk to you, and it's not so often, i don't recognize you. I just don't know you. Things aren't like they used to be, people aren't the same anymore, and feelings aren't either.When you blame yourself for everything it's much harder to deal with things you're going through.You know that feeling when you're tired of everything.? When it's easier to walk away then fight? And whenever that feeling comes, when the feeling to give up of everything comes you're not ready, you're never ready for it. Somehow you run from it. From the feeling, from the moment. You put a smile on your face and everything you do is pretend. Pretending is good. As long as people can't see you crashing they will treat you as they were going to. Once they see how hurt you are everything's gonna change. 'Cuz some may think everything else you do is pretending, but in reality you're just hiding feelings so you can't hurt anyone else. But i guess no one can see what you're going through. Everyone thinks there's no problems, they think you don't have any, but actually YOUR FEELINGS ARE QUITE ENOUGH problem for u. And yea, maybe i don't have problems, 'cuz i have nothing left with you, 'cuz everything with my family and friends is just fine, but hey, not everything you can just see is a problem, maybe you can't see it or touch it, but it's there. Not everything you can't see is not real, it really is out there.