as he goes left and you stay right..

Where did i go wrong? I lost a friend. Somewhere along in the bitterness.. I lost my road. I lost myself. The fact that you're not here is killing me. I have to see you and know that you're not there. I can see you, but i can't feel you, anymore. I can't bring myself to scream when im alone in the room. I can't let everything just flow out of me. I keep it inside, im keeping you inside. You stood by me, and i stood by you. Now, i see you on the corner. Im lost and insecure. Back then, you found me. You were looking for me, and i let you in. You became the one i need just live a new day. I have to see you, there, where i am, laughing, making jokes.. And im lost again, im still the same. Im still insecure. But not you.. You're there and you're glad you are. I had you on my side, now i have to watch you keeping the promise you once made in a joke. You left me alone. You left me to fight this battle alone.. I was looking for the mistakes i've made, and i've never found them until now. As the days are passing im finding explanations. I decided you're on the otherside and i decided it's good. Until somehow you appear again.. And i go back to my tears. I still hope.. That's the mistake i've been doin'. But i just can't help myself. You're not making it any easier. You come and go, now you're here, the next moment you're not.. You say all those things that make me forget everything you have done. You give me that look like you miss who we were. But in reality im, again, just hoping.. nothing else..
All that's left are those unsaid words, there are still there, even i thought you said them. Even i thought i was the boredom killer. Even i spent so much time just thinking, trying to find them, trying to explain them..
Trying to just fix everything. Can't you understand? I have nothing left from all this and yet, i keep running in circles coming back to my thoughts. Locking the doors, sitting in the dark, im losing faith. The last thing i have ever imagined is watching you destroy everything i am. I don't mind being in pain. Sometimes i forget about it, but i never let anyone take it from me. Im enjoying every second of it. Every scar that it leaves. Bleeding. I was, i am bleeding on the inside. And i will never heal.. Can't you just be the old you? Can't you just tell me everything..

this storm that's broken me, my only friend..

I can't miss you. Cause missing is bad. I remember the day when every single thing became meaningless to you. And i can't not remember all these months. It will pass- i tell myself. Time will take it. It will pass. As the time is passing nothing is changin'. I decided you're on the other side. Still, the other side is not far enough. Between mine and yours is just a thin thread. They say it gets thicker day by day. But as the days are passing by i can't see the change. It's as thin as it was at the start. There's no days, there's no time that could change things.Everywhere i go i look around and im trying to find you. I can feel your touch, hear your voice.. Everywhere.. A sadness grows inside of me and it all seems so unfair.And all the pain i should feel i push it down, i push it somewhere inside of me where no one wants to be. One look at that place and everything you ever thought you were is everything you have ever been afraid of. I see your face and still, after everything, it makes me smile. I can hear the whisper from my broken heart, im still swallowing the goodbye. And it seems like everything is broken, just when my brain decides to remember. Remembering is the hardest thing i have ever done. The sun isn't shining as it used to. And i can feel the rain, again, falling on my head like a memory. One drop, one feeling, one memory, new emotions-pain.I keep everything inside of me, im just another lost soul. You shall take the place inside of fire with me. I'll be broken another time i tell myself. I am stricken and i can't let you go even you're already gone. I wanna know if i'll heal inside, im so tired of being punished for just simply existing. I think it's enough for me tasting the hell this time. Im running from myself. Don't want others to see me falling, running from who i am. From who i've became. It is beyond my control will we ever meet again.I can feel the animal inside, pounding on the doors of my mind.And i can feel the fear inside of me but i can't bring myself to scream. I've found something i should be happy for, guess what happens? I remember. I never really had a chance on that fateful moonlit night, i thought i could fight, but until i realise why is it so hard to let go, i won't be able to fight the feelings i don't want to feel. Scroll down.. First post.. 13th May.. From that day im building this inside of me. Now, when i found someone else to miss. Someone else to love, i can't let go. Maybe something will change.. Maybe someone will change me, my feelings.. I still hope even i know.. And that's the mistake i keep repeatin'.

..things, people, feelings will never be the same again..

I listen to a song. A song that is happy and that makes me happy. Well, it's the only thing that makes me happy in last few months.. I tell myself that im over you, that im done, and nothing's gonna happen. And i stay behind my words, just till the next day when i see you.When you give me that look, look that makes me remember my tale, our tale. I remember you, with me, on that field. And in reality we had nothing but our words, and each other, every single day. At the end the guilted invaded notion of someone i once knew. I never thought that could ever be possible. But now, when i talk to you, and it's not so often, i don't recognize you. I just don't know you. Things aren't like they used to be, people aren't the same anymore, and feelings aren't either.When you blame yourself for everything it's much harder to deal with things you're going through.You know that feeling when you're tired of everything.? When it's easier to walk away then fight? And whenever that feeling comes, when the feeling to give up of everything comes you're not ready, you're never ready for it. Somehow you run from it. From the feeling, from the moment. You put a smile on your face and everything you do is pretend. Pretending is good. As long as people can't see you crashing they will treat you as they were going to. Once they see how hurt you are everything's gonna change. 'Cuz some may think everything else you do is pretending, but in reality you're just hiding feelings so you can't hurt anyone else. But i guess no one can see what you're going through. Everyone thinks there's no problems, they think you don't have any, but actually YOUR FEELINGS ARE QUITE ENOUGH problem for u. And yea, maybe i don't have problems, 'cuz i have nothing left with you, 'cuz everything with my family and friends is just fine, but hey, not everything you can just see is a problem, maybe you can't see it or touch it, but it's there. Not everything you can't see is not real, it really is out there. 

I WAS THE ''BOREDOM KILLER''

If things in your life are going good, please, enjoy them, 'cuz they won't last forever. But remember, if they're going bad, they can't last forever either. Maybe one day, you'll regret the chances you didn't took, chances you missed.Don't ever, ever,ever, blame yourself for something you know you haven't done.Don't blame yourself for other people mistakes. Yes, i've been in love. Painful. Pointless. Overrated. I was waiting for those words you didn't said at the end. And i thought it's not the end if they're still unsaid. But then, when you finally did. Not completely but still.. you said everything i had to hear. It's not im not getting used to it.. To be screwed over and over again. Or to trust wrong people. It's just i thought you, ''the you'', for who i actually thought were different screwed me the most. And i can't live with the fact that i have to feel this, what i feel right now, just because i let myself fall for you. People around me keep telling me i should be strong, not to cry, not look back and not to feel what i feel. But the thing is, i am strong. I truly am. I remember how i used to not care and everything was just fine. At the moment i started to care one by one, little pieces of me broke, and fell off. Until, everything that is left it's everything i will ever be, and ever feel. It's ok to cry. You can cry. There's always time to be positive. Now, im not sure if i really wanted the words to be said, but they are, and i can't do anything about it. I've been through all this alone with this blog and words of mine. That. That makes ME strong. And now, when im ready to move on. When i am ready to not think about you, talk about you, when im ready to let you go. To let the memories, and feelings go away. I realize how much time i've lost just sitting and thinking something will change but actually all this time i knew who you really were, i just didn't want to accept it, and live with it. Live with the fact, everything i ever was to you it's boredom killer, and well, seems like im that for everyone else. 

all these feelings are wrapped around me, they hold me down so i can't break through..

I was never a kind of girl who fell in love. Ever. I had my feelings on an offline mode. People would say im heartless, cold.. But i was just protecting myself, i didn't knew from what, i didn't knew from who, but now i know. All those unsaid words, all those undone moments, everything i've ever felt, everything i've ever seen in my life is passing through my mind at that very moment when i see u. When i turn around and when i find u looking at me through my mind are passing pictures and through my body are passing feelings, feelings i've never felt before. All those feelings are wrapped around me, they hold me down so i can't break through.
And as much as i want to break through them, they hold me back, they keep me in one place, place where i don't want to be.. past.. It's funny how you start to love some stranger who came into your life when you didn't expect him, and there are alot of other strangers, but that one, that one is special. And when you don't even realise you fall in love with him, and one of the other strangers fells in love with u, and the other too, and on and on, it goes to infinity.. No matter if you two love each other,or you love him, there is that other stranger who is accidently, or not, your,his,her best friend, and there's nothing you can do except fight. Find your own way to fight, to break the feelings, to switch your feelings on an offline mode again.You would give anything just to feel him.. Just to feel all those feelings you had before. You would give anything just to hear the unsaid words and to touch the undone moments but its wrong.. it can't be. And just that fact is killing you inside.