..heal my wounds, please?

Every feeling that i get, by every silent move you make. I never thought i would need you to be there, when i cry. I never needed someone to be there. And i can't take one more step, cause all that's waiting is regret. Don't you know how hard this is? Im running from a person i swore i'd never be. Im the one who has to face me. It's the voices i hear inside my head. Am i born to be broken? Someone, please, tell me that im ready to escape. This is not what i wanted. Im starting to miss you again. You don't have to be there. I just miss the person you used to be. So at the same time i have a chance to miss myself. I walked away, and then, when i tried to come back you pushed me aside. This storm that's broken me, my only friend, yea, it's hard for me to understand myself and then, how can i expect you to understand!? It's never enough, no matter what i do. It's all about how much im missing you, and im not supposed to. They say it's possible to grow up, completely. But i have never met someone who did. So no matter how much we try to grow up there's always that one thing that stays with us. Hope. I need to heal the hurt behind my eyes. I have to make my lies good. To move on, and to let go, or i'll fall again. Never thought i'll need someone to be with me in this pain. Never thought that would ever be you. But it seems it's been holding too strong, this shadow that's all over me. And it's all because of that, because i need you to be with me, but you don't want to be there. Why do people sacrifice the inner beauty, that's in all of us? I guess, you're safe within. I've might lost hope in you, but im still hoping for me, and all i am is you. And if that means i have to give away my inside, so will be. Im feeling the rush inside so maybe it is the end. I would, i would fall again, if i just could, for you. Day after day you're messing with my head. All these thoughts are destroying me, so it makes me believe i don't have the inner beauty to give it for you, for us. If you could hear my words would that change anything? Before i go, hear me out, you should listen to me. You never understood my words, and i haven't understood yours, but hear my looks, try and you'll see me. Im weightless again, just before the shadows... Make yourself listen. Make yourself see! Before i go, hear me out, cause it might be late.. You don't have to understand my words, just hear my heartbeat. And you'll hear me. If you only knew how every place i go reminds me of you, and every word someone tells me it's all you. It has always been, all about you. Everywhere i go, only you. They say i would give everything away to be with you, i don't want to be with you, i just need you by my side. To be there. All this im ready to give for you it's not cause i want to be with you, i don't, i  just need you to fuckin' be there. Those words were never necessary, all that was important was the silence that spoke herself, the looks, our tale.. 

im giving all i have not to need you..

Run away? Run away to be lost in the crowd seems like a perfect answer. But running away is such an immature act. And cowardly. If good moments come to you everyday you can get sick of them, and it's not because you don't want them. Because you want something bad. But just, sometimes, all that we need is something called fear of losing everything. And just then you can see what things, what people mean, or don't mean to you. I try. Im trying. I want to go, i want to let everything go. Something is pushing me back, pulling me down and i can't even name the ''something''. Do you have to come now and then and leave some clues and just go, disappear? Is that really necessary? Well, it was never about how i feel, so, why should i care? It was never about how im spending the lonely nights on my own. Now, im ignoring you and it's working. I don't want you to run after me, to chase me, and i don't want you to need me.'Cuz im giving all i have not to need you. Im standing for myself. And you? You are the one that should not be named. You're on the OTHER SIDE. Side, that i don't even look at. And you always will be there. I will always remember you, and i'll remember our tale. But from now on everything you are is a stranger passing by. I won't ever even look at you, i'll just bend my head everytime i see you. 'Cuz you are a stranger standing on the other side. I will, at least, i'll try to remember you with me, on that field. But from tomorrow you have your field, and i'll make my own. I will collect, one by one, slowly and patiently little pieces of my heart i lost. Little pieces you took from me. With no mercy, you just pulled them out of me. You made me standing here all by myself. And just because of you i can't feel anything.

I WAS THE ''BOREDOM KILLER''

If things in your life are going good, please, enjoy them, 'cuz they won't last forever. But remember, if they're going bad, they can't last forever either. Maybe one day, you'll regret the chances you didn't took, chances you missed.Don't ever, ever,ever, blame yourself for something you know you haven't done.Don't blame yourself for other people mistakes. Yes, i've been in love. Painful. Pointless. Overrated. I was waiting for those words you didn't said at the end. And i thought it's not the end if they're still unsaid. But then, when you finally did. Not completely but still.. you said everything i had to hear. It's not im not getting used to it.. To be screwed over and over again. Or to trust wrong people. It's just i thought you, ''the you'', for who i actually thought were different screwed me the most. And i can't live with the fact that i have to feel this, what i feel right now, just because i let myself fall for you. People around me keep telling me i should be strong, not to cry, not look back and not to feel what i feel. But the thing is, i am strong. I truly am. I remember how i used to not care and everything was just fine. At the moment i started to care one by one, little pieces of me broke, and fell off. Until, everything that is left it's everything i will ever be, and ever feel. It's ok to cry. You can cry. There's always time to be positive. Now, im not sure if i really wanted the words to be said, but they are, and i can't do anything about it. I've been through all this alone with this blog and words of mine. That. That makes ME strong. And now, when im ready to move on. When i am ready to not think about you, talk about you, when im ready to let you go. To let the memories, and feelings go away. I realize how much time i've lost just sitting and thinking something will change but actually all this time i knew who you really were, i just didn't want to accept it, and live with it. Live with the fact, everything i ever was to you it's boredom killer, and well, seems like im that for everyone else. 

one wrong move and you're chasing shadows from the past..

When our looks cross, i stare, you stare. No moves, no words, just staring. And sometimes that staring, that silence tells more then any moves or words could ever tell. It's a silence with a story. Just like everyone else, we had one too. Our own. It was a story i could never tell again, it was a tale you only read once but it stays in your memory forever. No one wrote it down, but everyone knows it. Some may forget.. but not you.
You will remember every single word of it, moment, every single smile you had telling it.. living it.. Tale, which now seems like it wasn't right. Only becuase remembering it is the hardest memory you have.

You ask yourself if he's worth it. And the answer is positive. But take another look of what you have right now. Pain, that you can't even explain. Happiness, 'cuz it happened. Hope, for it to repeat. Faith, 'cuz of the unsaid words you're waiting for to be said, and at the end he screw you over again. Just with not telling anything, with ignoring your words,and not telling his, unsaid words. It makes you think they don't exist, but they do, they are there, and as long as they're unsaid you can't move on, you're stuck with your tale. Tale, that tells itself with the look he gives to you. Tale, that's passing through you. Tale, only you two can understand no matter how much people know about it. No matter you hope someone, who knows it, will finish it. You hope someone will break it, someone will help you, someone,that you know, will tell him to finish the unsaid words you're waiting for becuase you can't. But that won't happen, 'cuz only person you depend on is yourself,  no one will take a risk for you. You're on your own, 'cuz well, it is your tale, which now just makes you chasing shadows from the past!