this storm that's broken me, my only friend..

I can't miss you. Cause missing is bad. I remember the day when every single thing became meaningless to you. And i can't not remember all these months. It will pass- i tell myself. Time will take it. It will pass. As the time is passing nothing is changin'. I decided you're on the other side. Still, the other side is not far enough. Between mine and yours is just a thin thread. They say it gets thicker day by day. But as the days are passing by i can't see the change. It's as thin as it was at the start. There's no days, there's no time that could change things.Everywhere i go i look around and im trying to find you. I can feel your touch, hear your voice.. Everywhere.. A sadness grows inside of me and it all seems so unfair.And all the pain i should feel i push it down, i push it somewhere inside of me where no one wants to be. One look at that place and everything you ever thought you were is everything you have ever been afraid of. I see your face and still, after everything, it makes me smile. I can hear the whisper from my broken heart, im still swallowing the goodbye. And it seems like everything is broken, just when my brain decides to remember. Remembering is the hardest thing i have ever done. The sun isn't shining as it used to. And i can feel the rain, again, falling on my head like a memory. One drop, one feeling, one memory, new emotions-pain.I keep everything inside of me, im just another lost soul. You shall take the place inside of fire with me. I'll be broken another time i tell myself. I am stricken and i can't let you go even you're already gone. I wanna know if i'll heal inside, im so tired of being punished for just simply existing. I think it's enough for me tasting the hell this time. Im running from myself. Don't want others to see me falling, running from who i am. From who i've became. It is beyond my control will we ever meet again.I can feel the animal inside, pounding on the doors of my mind.And i can feel the fear inside of me but i can't bring myself to scream. I've found something i should be happy for, guess what happens? I remember. I never really had a chance on that fateful moonlit night, i thought i could fight, but until i realise why is it so hard to let go, i won't be able to fight the feelings i don't want to feel. Scroll down.. First post.. 13th May.. From that day im building this inside of me. Now, when i found someone else to miss. Someone else to love, i can't let go. Maybe something will change.. Maybe someone will change me, my feelings.. I still hope even i know.. And that's the mistake i keep repeatin'.

all these feelings are wrapped around me, they hold me down so i can't break through..

I was never a kind of girl who fell in love. Ever. I had my feelings on an offline mode. People would say im heartless, cold.. But i was just protecting myself, i didn't knew from what, i didn't knew from who, but now i know. All those unsaid words, all those undone moments, everything i've ever felt, everything i've ever seen in my life is passing through my mind at that very moment when i see u. When i turn around and when i find u looking at me through my mind are passing pictures and through my body are passing feelings, feelings i've never felt before. All those feelings are wrapped around me, they hold me down so i can't break through.
And as much as i want to break through them, they hold me back, they keep me in one place, place where i don't want to be.. past.. It's funny how you start to love some stranger who came into your life when you didn't expect him, and there are alot of other strangers, but that one, that one is special. And when you don't even realise you fall in love with him, and one of the other strangers fells in love with u, and the other too, and on and on, it goes to infinity.. No matter if you two love each other,or you love him, there is that other stranger who is accidently, or not, your,his,her best friend, and there's nothing you can do except fight. Find your own way to fight, to break the feelings, to switch your feelings on an offline mode again.You would give anything just to feel him.. Just to feel all those feelings you had before. You would give anything just to hear the unsaid words and to touch the undone moments but its wrong.. it can't be. And just that fact is killing you inside.

..including me and these words of mine..

-''You still love him?''
-"No way, where's that coming from, what made you think that?''
-"I know you. You do, you still love him. I can see it in your eyes. You're so insecure about your feelings, you're so quiet. You're finding explanations in everything he had done, for everything he said. You're defending him. Im not blind i can see your little, insecure smile when you look at him even you think no one can see it, even you believe you're strong. And i can hear how your voice shivers when you say his name. I know, i know you would give all this, including me and these words of mine, just to hug him. And i know you hate yourself 'cuz you're thinking of him everynight, knowing he isn't.. You still love him, ou, you love him so much..And i know you think he's worth it. But you should think about it, are those tears you're having right now and all that pain you're feeling, is that worth? I know you keep telling yourself that he is, that the pain will pass, and the tears will dissapear, but you can't be sure, can't you? ...Do you think that he'll fall for you? Do you think if he could just hear our words now, do you really think he would fall? And at the end i want you to know im there for you, no matter what you say..'cuz i know, i've been there were you are now, i kept saying that he's worth it..you don't wanna now how i feel now! "